Steroids??? S*?T THE BED!!!!

…….. I didn’t….   I didn’t really…..  honest….. it’s just….. y’know…. a saying….. a phrase…..  a colloquialism…. Northern originality I think…  like…. Person ‘A’ might comment… “Newcastle came back from 4-0 down against arsenal at half time, last week” …. Whereas person ‘B’ might respond… “S*?t the bed….  Y’don’t half say!!!!”

SEE….? LOADS OF PEOPLE SAY IT!!!!   BUT I DIDN’T REALLY DO IT!!!!!!!   HONEST!   EVEN IN THIS 2011… MY YEAR OF FIRST’S!!!

Anyhoo….

Steroids then, eh?    Its my second consecutive day on them, tomorrow…. And it looks like I’m heading into another very late if not second all nighter on these bad boys.    My 3^rd passage on this blog innocently started out life as a series of notes I had wizzing around me noggin over the course of a Monday night.    I stated by making a few gentile notes but time slipped past as the narrative was sewn together gradually.   More and more of the tale came to my mind, in a more chronologically distorted fashion than a string of Tarrantino movies that was edited by a monkey…. on steroids…… who was still training at film skool!!!!         “yer heard my word?!? das, right….. I’m getting all Blackadder all up in here, shamone!!!” (That  impersonation is the king of pop from bo ‘selecta!)     

So………… as I posted that particular blog, some what very neatly at 6:00 am on the dot… (check the stamp…. Wot can’t speak can’t lie, Rodder’s!!!  (that one’s detective Jack frost, innit?!?…. no its that  Bloody monkey again!)   I sat back on my fancy bed and looked around as the ward started to spring into life…   Blue curtains were slowly drawn back… the sun started to stretch into the ward… early morning observations for some of the blokes sprung up…. One of the nutters started booing at the nurses again… and finally a couple of hours later….  My weetabix arrived at my table….  Lovely.

Hang about… As proof…..   here’e the sunrise taken from my window opposite looking at the clutter of  office space that is canary wharf and surrounding towers….

Nice eh?   It’s great when you fill up space in a school project with loads of pictures innit?    It beats typing!   

I finished my 5 day intense chemo course on Friday and so this weekend I started a 2 day course on these steroids to err… to help my… help the body with…umm… I’m can’t remember why I need them but as this picture will illistrate I had a lot on my plate Saturday morning…. (Literally!!!)

ELEVEN OF THE BUGGERS!!!  ELEVEN!!!    I though they’d severed me Brian bloody Harvey’s morning dose!!!    The steroids are the yellow little monsters and also note my own personal initialled pill I get to scoff!!!! The NHS is well bling, tho???  NOT REALLY! One of the nurses told me that the ‘C I’ really stands for  “Coincidence, Innit?!?”

I would just like to add that they don’t serve you pills on a plate!!!   It’s just for illustration purposes, kids!   And I really like the baby blue NHS crockery they have here… I would nick some but I’ve paid for it already, no?   You know… tax payer and all that…  ohi… Cameron Where’s My share!?!

So…. After an early morning of relative normality I find myself sitting in the relatives lounge somewhat emotional and a bit sensitive on the phone to the Russian at about 9.   She wasn’t due in for a couple of hours but I wanted to call her (I KNOW! 9:00 AM ON A SATURADY BLOODY MORNING!!!  HOW ANNOYING IS THAT!?!? RUDE???   I’VE WELL AN TRULY TAKEN THE BISCUIT THERE!!!)

I found myself getting a tad upset about the fact that the Russian and I both know that Monday evening… right in the middle of West Indies… sorry… east enders… that my tv package deal will expire.    We know this because we bought a weeks tv package for the measly sum of £15!!!!   (ARE THEY HAVING A LAUGH??? THE PICTURE IS WORSE THAN ON A 30 YEAR OLD 747; THE SOUND BUZZES ‘MAINS’ BUZZ AND IT ONLY HAS SOME FREEVIEW CHANNELS!!!!   HOW IN GODS NAME CAN YOU HAVE SOME BUT NOT ALL, FREEVEIW CHANNELS???  

BUT!!!  You can’t go swaning around, blaming the NHS (or ‘nnnhhhuuussss’ as the phone jacker would call it!)  for fitting these 15 year old dixon reject units.   They have been installed by the private sector.   A (no doubt!) dragon funded tight arse who can’t even be bothered to re tune sick people’s ‘custard and jellies’ from time to time, so they can enjoy top gear on ‘Dave Ja Vous!’ (my mate charlie’s idea, to call the channel that, apparently!)  

So I get suckered in for the telly… what else can I do?    So as I’m sitting in the relative’s room, on my own with just my thoughts.   The tv cutting out during West Indies has sprung into my mind.   ‘oh no.   the Russian loves the show.   What will she do?   Should I pay another week’s fee to let her watch?   God know’s she deserves it.   But how much longer will I be in here.   Lets check the tarriff… one day…£5!   S*?t the bed!!!   (see?)… 3 days… £10… bloody nora… I’d pay if it was really worth it but its all fuzzy and buzzy!!!   12 days… £20.   Nah…  I don’t know what to do’… and then I laughed about my little snooker situation and thought ‘how trivial’… and then I broke down into tears!!!!!!

What the eff was going on???

After a comforting chat with the Russian (I’d told her I was emotional but I didn’t tell her what set me off until she got here!) I slept for a hour or two.   Then it was time to try and enjoy the 6 nations egg chasing on my buzzy white box.   Two matches today… England v Italy and Scotland v Wales.   Great.    Halfway through the second half the England match was all but settled, so I decided to jump in the shower.   I admit I was a bit funky but the strop I was in this morning meant I sulked in the residents room or on my bed, for most of the day rather than preened myself!

As I was washing myself down in the ‘David Gower’ I started to come back to life….   The steam arose, coursing up my nostrils and aiding the clearing of my head.   The lavender scent (that’s right, I like lavender and I’m not even a grandma!)  from my shower gel (original source, naturally! Oh and mind the mint one on yer bum hole!) helped lift my mood and the heat from the water washed over me.   I suddenly noticed a rush in me… a feeling of repair and good in my chest…. As if cancer itself was having the absolute S*?t kicked out of it and I was on top!!!    “YESSS…..  GET IN THERE….  COME ON IVIN…. YOU’VE GOT A LIFE TO GET BACK TO!!!!   SORT YOUR SELF OUT….   BOOING AT THE TV INDEED….   SORT IT OUT…. COME ON MAN, IM GETTING BETTER!!!!  AAAAAHHHHHH!!!”

……….yup……….. out loud…. And quite loud too…….

What a day!..... I’ve been up and down like that over most things… I welled up when the Italians were singing THEIR national anthem… (but that could be because I drive an Alfa!)    I got stuck into a big mac (I’ve only had 3 in 4 weeks… not bad considering the school dinners I’ve been served!) like that mac was the first of my life!

HOW THE HELL DOES ANYONE LIVE WITH A WRESTLER OR BODY BUILDER???

And the fact that someone might, once in a while, be a pregnant woman in the same house as a steroid loopy maniac!   Now THAT would be the ultimate in scary see saw relationships… IT MUST BE!   Can you imagine?   S*?t the bed!

As the odd football team mate and friend might tell you, I’m known as a bit of a ‘grow’-er not a ‘show’-er too.    I might as well tell you because I would think, right now, someone’s bloody thinking it…. But it true…. And yes it has… and yes it is… and yes it is a bit like swimming in very cold water!!!!!!!   My goodness….   It enough to make you cry!!!!

C.

Ps...   Thank you to Fefen and Alison and family for their present of a lovely cake today!   Delivered all the way from Liverpool to 'Dat Dere London!'    Thank you, it is amazing!   only one problem....   you didn't slip the file into it!!!   x

PPs...  Seriously, thank you to everyone for gifts, cards and support...   i can't do it all now but the'll be a shed load of personal thanks when i'm out on the other side!