October 25th 2011. What where you doing on that day? I know my mate DB would be the first kid with his hand shooting to the sky hissing “sir, sir, I know the answer, sir, please sir, me sir…” He’d know what he was doing that day because it was his 31st birthday… and seeing as he currently works and dwells on a massive F**K OFF luxury yacht moored in Monte Carlo, I’m sure he’d remember that day well… unless of course he’d got shore leave. So if he’d decided to hit the €8 lemonchello’s that the Russian and I enjoyed with him there, with him a year ago, then his memory might be a bit more wooly.
Other kids in this classroom in my head, happily sat on the ‘groovy rug,’ enjoying their free daily pint of milk… (yes, this classroom metaphor/image has been created in my mind in the days before Maggie Thatcher decided all junior school kids could do without their free pint of daily milk! Instead she spent billions on saving 60 sheep botherers, in the Falkland Isles and blew the budget for kids milk!) Sorry, I digress from my class room…
So… three other pupils that can immediately answer my question and have all got a limb thrust skywards are both my parents and of course… The Russian.
This is my record of events on Tuesday the 25th of October…
“BONG BURRP DING!!! BONG BURRP DONG!!!” BLIIP BLUUP….BLIIP BLUUP”
“What the EFF….. oh… oh….guys… I’m gonna faint… IM GOING TO FAINT…” and I did!
There was my super team all lined up on one side of the bed… my mum stroking my head, as it was whipping from side to side… “come on Chris, I told myself, keep your breathing regular… keep your cool, they’re just pumping your stem cells back into you… you’ll need these to quicken the recovery process… keep your cool, keep your cool, man….
“BONG BURRP DING!!! BONG BURRP DONG!!!” BLIIP BLUUP….BLIIP BLUUP”
What the feck is that massive noise? What kind of machine have they got me entwined with now…. Don’t look... don’t look… who am I kidding… I cant even see… my eyeballs are rattling so fast in their sockets the room is blurred… why are there 2 nurses to do this ‘simple’ treatment if its so straight forward…. Keep your cool ivin, keep your cool… uh uh uh…. Who am I kidding… I think I’ll stick to the fainting and try not… zzzzzzzzzzzz”
“BONG BURRP DING!!! BONG BURRP DONG!!!” BLIIP BLUUP….BLIIP BLUUP”
“Chris… Chris can you hear me?” It was Laura, one of the SHO doctors who had her pretty face and sharp, blonde bob about 4 inches from mine… (I’m minus the sharp blonde bob!)
“Ugh? Who? This aint my room…. You’re not my mum!!!”
nb… that line is for Charlie!
“what’s going on Laura, have we started the transfusion yet…?”
“No.”
“Aww, Bo??ocks!”
Now there was my super support team, 2 nurses and now about 3 different doctors surrounding my bed. I looked in the far corner and there was this 3 foot sandy coloured bin on wheels, with a domed hat set off at a jaunty angle that was letting lots of ‘top of the pops’ dry ice pour out over the top and drift away into nothing. It looked like the start of a cliff Richard concert. I guessed my frozen stem cells were still in that old R2D2 wannabe… if I wasn’t such a woss they’d be halfway in my body by now and I wouldn’t have 40 people around the bed trying to measure my sats, blood pressure and heart rate…
“BONG BURRP DING!!! BONG BURRP DONG!!!” BLIIP BLUUP….BLIIP BLUUP”
yup that sodding thing’s still in the room. I was connected to this thing that bleats at such a volume every time my blood pressure changes or something… the docs were worried because my pulse rate had plummeted to below 50 to about 42, when it was all coming on top in my mind and I decided it best to ‘wig out’ and faint!
So, October the 25th anytime around 2pm British summer time…. That’s where I was at… thrashing around in the bed, seeing my room crashing around like an earthquake was going off and then dipping in and out of consciousness.
With some excellent teamwork from my dad and the Russian on the foot rubbing front to keep me in a state of semi comatose, the doctors dispersed and two of my favourite nurses, Arleen and Menchie managed to get on with returning the idiot cells back to the idiot, with minimal fuss. Id got some music on the IPod to cut out the….
“BONG BURRP DING!!! BONG BURRP DONG!!!” BLIIP BLUUP….BLIIP BLUUP”
and my super mum, stroking my baldie swede was enough to keep me calm. The stem cells were replaced without any of the nasty side effects that they are obliged to share with you, to really put the wind up your sails! In fact the whole two bag dose was administered within an hour.
Sadly for me I was due for 3 bags of stem cells the very next day!!! But now I knew what to expect and with all my anti panic personnel standing by in their various positions and with my I pod set to play all… the second day went off without so much as a….
“BONG BURRP DING!!! BONG BURRP DONG!!!” BLIIP BLUUP….BLIIP BLUUP”
... from that daft new machine. So after 3 bags full of stem cells it was just a matter of sitting it out and waiting for all my blood levels, including the key neutrophils, to come up to the required levels for me to get sent home. 0.5 is the magic number for my neutrophils to reach so that I’m strong enough to fight infections and look after myself. Sadly for me, as I write they are still a big fat ZERO! I’m told that once there is a sign of them coming up they can replenish themselves very quickly. A nice chap here called Gary, told me that when they came back for him they started after 10 days and he was sent home after 2 weeks.
So, that is the current situation. Waiting around trying very hard not to get ill and infected… waiting for those magic little neutrophils to reappear. Diet is the main problem, closely followed by epic boredom and a servere lack of concentraton. But sadly there is still no sign of the blood levels rising and I’m starting my 5th week!!!
On a total other note… face guff… er, I mean facebook! Whoa there, Lesley! How many peep’s on there, strutting your stuff?!?!?!? It is an absolute inspiration to see all the messages and big up’s to one’s self! I know I’ve said it before but I really wish I could reply to one and all but my hands would fall off typing for ever!
I will mention four special things on there as a slight rule breaker to either pee you off if you didn’t make the ‘Tony Heart gallery’ of getting a mention or inspire you to get a 'big up' by, er, I dunno, filming yourself, naked, fire swallowing whilst riding a camel… or, hang about… something really crazy, like after riding all the way to London from Rotherham (all for charity, mate!)… then seeing how great the south is and going back to the north!!! Sean! ;-)
Nah… kidding mate…. Thank you so much. (plus the south is full of wa…rs! (true! Try driving down here!)
So… my fab 4…
Looney… yeah yeah piss off about the Rolex, Omega’s are much better anyway… and yeah £1,200 a night and we still had to boil our eggs in the kettle… but I cant remember why we put gaffa tape on the windows of an apartment on the 28th floor that had more floor space that most 3 bed houses… and it had 4 toilets including one for the maid…
Tory boy… thank you for the message of support from my old Swansea mukka, Johnny Hartson…. We’re Bessie mates now and I am an official celeb botherer!!!
To all those brave men and women of great Britain that have hit the ‘movember’ campaign trail with me in mind… thank you ladies… Mitch, I think yours was the best, although the “dubious ‘tasche committee” might have something to say about that! Laura, even if it was accidental… remember some of the greatest discoveries by man were purely by accicident… as was the first ever free range, home grown “flavour savour” I’m sure!
Lastly and mostly….
Sweeney, I hope you've got your ears on, good buddy, when I shout out to...
Lee Lording… MEETING MARK GARDENER!!!???!!! WHERE??? WHEN??? HOW??? DID YOU ASK HIM IF HIS OLD BAND 'RIDE' ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER ANY TIME SOON, LIKE THE STONE ROSES? DOES HE STILL SEE ANDY BELL? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BLOODY EYES SHUT IN PHOTO’S? (LIKE THE ONE I TOOK OF YOU AND DAVE GROLL IN DUBLIN!) AND FINALLY DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT THE GREAT NIGHT WE HAD IN EAST LONDON WHERE HE DIDN’T SHOW FOR A GIG THAT WAS REALLY NON EXISTANT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!???!!!
Lee Lording… MEETING MARK GARDENER!!!???!!! WHERE??? WHEN??? HOW??? DID YOU ASK HIM IF HIS OLD BAND 'RIDE' ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER ANY TIME SOON, LIKE THE STONE ROSES? DOES HE STILL SEE ANDY BELL? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BLOODY EYES SHUT IN PHOTO’S? (LIKE THE ONE I TOOK OF YOU AND DAVE GROLL IN DUBLIN!) AND FINALLY DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT THE GREAT NIGHT WE HAD IN EAST LONDON WHERE HE DIDN’T SHOW FOR A GIG THAT WAS REALLY NON EXISTANT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!???!!!
I still think about that night, it was an absolute classic! Just the three of us out to stand at the bar and not witness any gig… great times. So far in my life I’ve turned up for a gig that didn’t happen and a home Millwall match that was being played away! Wuss up, cous!!! ;-)
Hope and despair then…
Hope… you’ve always got to have it with you at all times…
Despair… when you’re banged up in hospital whilst yer mates are out and about meeting your all time hero’s!!!
I dunno… cancer, eh?!?
Milt, keep strong fella, thinking about you always xx
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